Journals8
Newest
You Already Know
1 min read
I have a Pixiv and a Twitter. Both have lewd things on them.
Follow my Pixiv if you only care about art. If you don't care about lewd things, adjust the settings on your Pixiv account accordingly. R-18/R-18G works should be off by default.
Follow my Twitter if you literally don't care. I will spam your timeline by compulsively retweeting everything I like, although my media tab is clean and only has things I created. Everything marked as sensitive media.
I'll update my DeviantArt information to link where I'm active. I'll also have a tweet pinned and updated accordingly on my Twitter. Just to let you know.
Follow my Pixiv if you only care about art. If you don't care about lewd things, adjust the settings on your Pixiv account accordingly. R-18/R-18G works should be off by default.
Follow my Twitter if you literally don't care. I will spam your timeline by compulsively retweeting everything I like, although my media tab is clean and only has things I created. Everything marked as sensitive media.
I'll update my DeviantArt information to link where I'm active. I'll also have a tweet pinned and updated accordingly on my Twitter. Just to let you know.
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It's Been A While
4 min read
Jesus Christ, would you look at all the fucking cobwebs. Last post was from 2017 and it wasn't even a happy post either. What happened to New Years? 2018? All that? It's like I've been dead for two years.
Well, bad news first, I guess. It is like I have been dead for two years, or at least it feels like I have been. The problems in my last journal haven't really resolved themselves, and the things I pledged to do didn't actually get done as nicely as I would have like them to have been. I could blame any number of things, but for the most part, it was my own fears, doubts, and insecurities that lead me to fall stagnant for all this time. I didn't want to open commissions without finishing some things up first. I wanted to do things perfectly, prim and proper. I wanted to be a good person, make the right decisions, and make everything as perfect as could be.
And that all lead to inaction. It wasn't so much addressing my issues as postponing them for a later date, and that later date is roughly about now.
There were a few commissions, mostly to friends and associates who returned the favor in small payments and gifts, but for the most part these were off the books without any guidelines. Some of them didn't even get done. I took requests frequently, perhaps a little too frequently, without many not actually getting delivered. Some people who I delivered to ended up being relatively unwelcoming people. Occasionally I'd clam up and not do anything but sulk in depression and anxiety, and I didn't really know how to decline a lot of people when they did want something. My family constantly hound me for a future I am not quite sure about, everyone that I have grown up with has moved forward quite successfully, and all while I continue to live in a past which isn't working in the present.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm an absolute fucking mess at the moment. Envious, nostalgic, constantly anxious. I can barely look at other people without biting my thumb. It's pretty fucking bad at times. Yet at the same time I can't sit down and continue like this. It isn't working. These past years have amounted from little to nothing, and while there is so much I want to accomplish, continuing the status quo wouldn't change anything.
--
SO! Beginning today I am going to be slowly opening commissions in the very near future. Probably this week. Hopefully this weekend. I've been getting Paypal set up properly to handle invoices, and tidying up my Patreon to handle tips if people so choose. Basically we're going public. It will... take some getting used to. Growing pains. Schedules and deadlines have been particularly hard for me to adhere to, but I am aware of all the little bits of downtime that end up adding together. It'll probably take a week provided I don't get distracted too often, and it'll probably improve with time, but I hope people are at least slightly forgiving when commissions open up.
Base prices will probably range anywhere from $25 to $65 from what friends have been willing to offer. Naturally it will depend on complexity and what needs to be done, but character sheets will probably dominate the lower end of the spectrum, while nicer works with excessive lighting and shading will probably occupy the upper end. There's a lot I will draw, but there's some fringe elements that I won't or simply can't, so it will probably be to my discretion on a case-by-case basis. I'll have to get a terms of service and refund policy set up too, but generally it'll probably be a single invoice as to write off additional Paypal fees, and refundable so long as things haven't progressed past the initial sketching phase.
Of course, it's all talk at the moment and means nothing until it's all set up properly. If I've learned anything these past years, talk is cheap, and an imperfect solution carried out now is ten times better than a perfect one later. I am very much looking for assistance in setting things up, so if anyone has any comments or advice during these trying times, I'd be very grateful. Hell, comment if you so much as even express interest. Any feedback is better than screaming into the void.
I'll get a journal out in a few days once I've gotten everything set up. If I don't, somebody ought to prod me until I do. Until then.
Well, bad news first, I guess. It is like I have been dead for two years, or at least it feels like I have been. The problems in my last journal haven't really resolved themselves, and the things I pledged to do didn't actually get done as nicely as I would have like them to have been. I could blame any number of things, but for the most part, it was my own fears, doubts, and insecurities that lead me to fall stagnant for all this time. I didn't want to open commissions without finishing some things up first. I wanted to do things perfectly, prim and proper. I wanted to be a good person, make the right decisions, and make everything as perfect as could be.
And that all lead to inaction. It wasn't so much addressing my issues as postponing them for a later date, and that later date is roughly about now.
There were a few commissions, mostly to friends and associates who returned the favor in small payments and gifts, but for the most part these were off the books without any guidelines. Some of them didn't even get done. I took requests frequently, perhaps a little too frequently, without many not actually getting delivered. Some people who I delivered to ended up being relatively unwelcoming people. Occasionally I'd clam up and not do anything but sulk in depression and anxiety, and I didn't really know how to decline a lot of people when they did want something. My family constantly hound me for a future I am not quite sure about, everyone that I have grown up with has moved forward quite successfully, and all while I continue to live in a past which isn't working in the present.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm an absolute fucking mess at the moment. Envious, nostalgic, constantly anxious. I can barely look at other people without biting my thumb. It's pretty fucking bad at times. Yet at the same time I can't sit down and continue like this. It isn't working. These past years have amounted from little to nothing, and while there is so much I want to accomplish, continuing the status quo wouldn't change anything.
--
SO! Beginning today I am going to be slowly opening commissions in the very near future. Probably this week. Hopefully this weekend. I've been getting Paypal set up properly to handle invoices, and tidying up my Patreon to handle tips if people so choose. Basically we're going public. It will... take some getting used to. Growing pains. Schedules and deadlines have been particularly hard for me to adhere to, but I am aware of all the little bits of downtime that end up adding together. It'll probably take a week provided I don't get distracted too often, and it'll probably improve with time, but I hope people are at least slightly forgiving when commissions open up.
Base prices will probably range anywhere from $25 to $65 from what friends have been willing to offer. Naturally it will depend on complexity and what needs to be done, but character sheets will probably dominate the lower end of the spectrum, while nicer works with excessive lighting and shading will probably occupy the upper end. There's a lot I will draw, but there's some fringe elements that I won't or simply can't, so it will probably be to my discretion on a case-by-case basis. I'll have to get a terms of service and refund policy set up too, but generally it'll probably be a single invoice as to write off additional Paypal fees, and refundable so long as things haven't progressed past the initial sketching phase.
Of course, it's all talk at the moment and means nothing until it's all set up properly. If I've learned anything these past years, talk is cheap, and an imperfect solution carried out now is ten times better than a perfect one later. I am very much looking for assistance in setting things up, so if anyone has any comments or advice during these trying times, I'd be very grateful. Hell, comment if you so much as even express interest. Any feedback is better than screaming into the void.
I'll get a journal out in a few days once I've gotten everything set up. If I don't, somebody ought to prod me until I do. Until then.
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The Question of Commissions?
7 min read
It has been several months since my last real 'update', and suffice to say, I have not really made much progress on what I set out to do. Life happened, little things got in the way, I got dragged off into little plots, and when I sat down at the end of the day I just wanted to lay my head down and sleep. There have been some bouts of inspiration and energy, but these have been limited through the constant stream of anxiety and inaction. When you are seemingly not committed to anything, people begin to ask, 'where are you going with your life?' and 'how are you going to survive?', questions that I cannot reasonably answer. Where do you want me to be? What will make you satisfied? I have to swim out to my ship instead of waiting for it to make port, but what do you do if people expect you to simply be there, even if your arms can only carry you so swiftly?
Metaphors aside, some things have simply... fallen through. Initially, I had asked for a year to accomplish my goals, and for the entirety of summer, I had committed my efforts to the streaming and Youtube. It was supposed to be a joint effort between me and my cousin, who had come up with the scheme back in the tax office, and admittedly, it sounded promising. However, the joint effort was quickly reduced to me alone, as my cousin had been plagued with various issues in his life. I don't particularly blame him, as they were issues beyond his control, but I must admit that I am slightly upset; both with the situation that arose, and partially with him for leading me on before abandoning me. I continued on alone for a few months with minimal gains, growingly discontent between working alone, and with changing policies regarding monetization, felt increasingly unrewarded for my efforts.
Since then, I have attempted to pursue my own dreams of becoming a doujin artist once again. There is some anxiety that it will fail in a similar fashion to my other endeavors, which is not aided by the various concerns of my family, but I still hold fast onto the fleeting hope that it will amount to something of importance. The endeavors of my sister to produce her own doujin has given me some inspiration, and increasingly positive reception of my R-18 works is an optimistic sign of the future. It might not necessarily be regarded as achieving success just yet, but I am confident that is it the right step towards it. This, of course, leads me to the next topic, and the one that I have been frequently pondering about for several years now.
How would you feel about paid commissions?
It might not mean much between the few followers I have, but this question has been lingering on my mind for a while, especially after several people have offered to pay - although most admittedly did not have the immediate capital on them. I have always been rather skeptical on the concept, as unlike requests and suggestions, which may or may not amount to anything, a commission is a service that demands a timely return. This would not normally be an issue, but given my documented fickleness, I have always been wary of accepting payment for a service that might not be delivered upon - something which has plagued other artists who offer commissions. I am rather iffy on the whole concept of accepting payment, with the last time I actually received money for my art being in middle school, and have constantly denied friends who offered money in lieu of our friendship. One good friend suggested a Patreon, but I was equally as skeptical, as I did not have any special benefits to offer to patreons, while I personally despise the paywall method employed by some artists on the platform.
However, my wishes must also give voice to other concerns. I can produce work after work, but if it cannot generate an income, it is merely a hobby instead of a livelihood. It does not demonstrate to people that it is a viable endeavor, and that despite all the effort committed, there is no return. These concerns aren't out of malice, and there are very few people who would wish another starving artist to be on the streets, but it is something that has to be resolved eventually for any serious artist. There is plenty of room for charity and good will, but there is no point in assisting others when you cannot even help yourself.
So, bearing these thoughts in mind, I would like to offer the following ideas for suggestions and criticism...
Metaphors aside, some things have simply... fallen through. Initially, I had asked for a year to accomplish my goals, and for the entirety of summer, I had committed my efforts to the streaming and Youtube. It was supposed to be a joint effort between me and my cousin, who had come up with the scheme back in the tax office, and admittedly, it sounded promising. However, the joint effort was quickly reduced to me alone, as my cousin had been plagued with various issues in his life. I don't particularly blame him, as they were issues beyond his control, but I must admit that I am slightly upset; both with the situation that arose, and partially with him for leading me on before abandoning me. I continued on alone for a few months with minimal gains, growingly discontent between working alone, and with changing policies regarding monetization, felt increasingly unrewarded for my efforts.
Since then, I have attempted to pursue my own dreams of becoming a doujin artist once again. There is some anxiety that it will fail in a similar fashion to my other endeavors, which is not aided by the various concerns of my family, but I still hold fast onto the fleeting hope that it will amount to something of importance. The endeavors of my sister to produce her own doujin has given me some inspiration, and increasingly positive reception of my R-18 works is an optimistic sign of the future. It might not necessarily be regarded as achieving success just yet, but I am confident that is it the right step towards it. This, of course, leads me to the next topic, and the one that I have been frequently pondering about for several years now.
How would you feel about paid commissions?
It might not mean much between the few followers I have, but this question has been lingering on my mind for a while, especially after several people have offered to pay - although most admittedly did not have the immediate capital on them. I have always been rather skeptical on the concept, as unlike requests and suggestions, which may or may not amount to anything, a commission is a service that demands a timely return. This would not normally be an issue, but given my documented fickleness, I have always been wary of accepting payment for a service that might not be delivered upon - something which has plagued other artists who offer commissions. I am rather iffy on the whole concept of accepting payment, with the last time I actually received money for my art being in middle school, and have constantly denied friends who offered money in lieu of our friendship. One good friend suggested a Patreon, but I was equally as skeptical, as I did not have any special benefits to offer to patreons, while I personally despise the paywall method employed by some artists on the platform.
However, my wishes must also give voice to other concerns. I can produce work after work, but if it cannot generate an income, it is merely a hobby instead of a livelihood. It does not demonstrate to people that it is a viable endeavor, and that despite all the effort committed, there is no return. These concerns aren't out of malice, and there are very few people who would wish another starving artist to be on the streets, but it is something that has to be resolved eventually for any serious artist. There is plenty of room for charity and good will, but there is no point in assisting others when you cannot even help yourself.
So, bearing these thoughts in mind, I would like to offer the following ideas for suggestions and criticism...
- I will open commissions if people would like, but payment will occur after the commission is completed. If they are not delivered for whatever reason, there is no risk to the person who commissioned the work.
- Commissions will be made by proclaiming that there is an intent to pay over a direct message, i.e. 'I will pay you for this'. This gives it a certain priority over requests and suggestions.
- If the work is completed, but does not have payment in full, then they may pay whatever they can. This demonstrates good faith, and does not effect future commissions, although they may pay the rest later.
- If the work is completed, but is not paid for,
they're a right cunt, it will be written off and future commissions and requests are prohibited until payment is made. - If someone cannot or has no intent to pay, then declare it, and it will be made into a request instead of a commission. It might not have high priority, but it represents good faith and trust.
- Commission rates might be based on hourly commitment not exceeding three hours. This applies only to time spend actively drawing. Ideally, it would be $10/hr, capping out at $30 for a three hour work. In this case, it is somewhat impractical to estimate payments, and thus the rules regarding them won't be held in any strict regard, e.g. $20 can be given for a three hour work if it exceeded estimates.
- Commission rates might follow the standard model if the hourly one is not practical. In this case, the rules regarding payments would be fairly strict, since everything is written out before hand.
- Either way, I would be willing to negotiate commission rates, although I might set a percentage on how much is allowable before suggesting other artists or deferring it as a request.
Bear in mind that I am not necessarily opening commissions right now, and that I am merely laying the foundations for them in the future. Comments, criticism, and suggestions are welcome, with everything laid out before you subject to change. Ideally, I would have liked a type of 'tip jar' system, as it is purely voluntary for all parties involved, but that is highly impractical for generating any sustainable stream of income. However, I believe that this is a good compromise between various factors, such as preventing any anger from an undelivered commission, maintaining a large amount of freedom for myself, and being able to generate a decent amount of income. There is a significant risk to myself, such as the fact somebody may simply not pay for services rendered, but I consider this risk very miniscule at the moment. If there is a better business model out there, however, I would like to know about it.
But yes, sorry for this more serious and business-oriented journal in lieu of my usual ones. It is something that I hate doing, but I feel like I would have to address the issue eventually, and that sooner rather than later is probably a good time. I am a little ashamed, but it is planning out how to turn my talents and hobbies into a livelihood - if even a limited one - and I would hope that is at least somewhat redeemable.
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I try to make journals for major periods of my life, or at the very least, when I can be arsed to write about them. Since the tax season is over, and I am now unbound from my job as a state tax processor - despite their attempts to flatter me into staying - I believe that it is a good time as any to start another journal. Think of it as a save or checkpoint in my life, where I can look back, and remember why working was terrible and why it should be avoided like the exploitive system that forces itself as necessity.
That being said, I have to say that there has been a few major changes in the beginning of 2017, most notably that since ending that unspoken 'sankaku' policy, people are now actually watching and following me. Super scary! I have not really had much time to draw while working, having so limited hours in the day, but the few finished works I did release got more attention than I ever did in my two-year shut-in period, so it was very much inspiring to me nonetheless. Thank you, friends, for giving me that.
I still need to fulfill my New Year's Resolution of having a drawing for at least every week, so I'd better get making up for that eventually...
Leaving work, many coworkers have asked me if I was going back to school or finding work someplace else, which if I wasn't a fucking coward, would probably have responded with 'lol fuck no'. College was an awful experience, did not let me really progress where I wanted to go, and most of all, I was paying for it. Work is equally as awful, but at the very least, they paid me, even if I had no real time to do anything. A rock and a hard place, really.
I have always said time and time again, that my one true dream is to become a doujin artist, and I have not forgotten that promise. Through these several months of suffering, I managed to acquire the capital to actually begin pursuing my dream, as well as some extra money for any modest costs that may arise along the way. My family, although not quite understanding of my goals, are somewhat supportive, and I now have a small audience of people who inspire me as well. Hopefully, we will make progress throughout the year, and by year's end, we will get at least a glimmer of that wonderful sunlight over the horizon.
Of course, I am also planning on streaming and commissioning on the side, if not to perhaps make a bit of pocket change, then to at least enjoy the experience with people. Paypal still has issues with me, although these are mostly in transfering funds from my bank nowadays, and not so much receiving funds from others - so commissions soon. I still have to draw a few things for a small amount of people, but once that is done, the real fun can begin~
I am glad. It feels like a veil has lifted, and that while I have lost a few friends in the past months, I have made several more. This hazy dream of several years, of stagnation and the lingering weight of hopelessness, it is finally coming to an end. The future is unforseen, and perhaps with many obstacles, but with the support behind me, and the new tools of the trade that I hold, I hope that I may dig out a small kindly niche for myself.
Also, Dark Souls is pretty great. Can't recommend it enough.
That being said, I have to say that there has been a few major changes in the beginning of 2017, most notably that since ending that unspoken 'sankaku' policy, people are now actually watching and following me. Super scary! I have not really had much time to draw while working, having so limited hours in the day, but the few finished works I did release got more attention than I ever did in my two-year shut-in period, so it was very much inspiring to me nonetheless. Thank you, friends, for giving me that.
I still need to fulfill my New Year's Resolution of having a drawing for at least every week, so I'd better get making up for that eventually...
Leaving work, many coworkers have asked me if I was going back to school or finding work someplace else, which if I wasn't a fucking coward, would probably have responded with 'lol fuck no'. College was an awful experience, did not let me really progress where I wanted to go, and most of all, I was paying for it. Work is equally as awful, but at the very least, they paid me, even if I had no real time to do anything. A rock and a hard place, really.
I have always said time and time again, that my one true dream is to become a doujin artist, and I have not forgotten that promise. Through these several months of suffering, I managed to acquire the capital to actually begin pursuing my dream, as well as some extra money for any modest costs that may arise along the way. My family, although not quite understanding of my goals, are somewhat supportive, and I now have a small audience of people who inspire me as well. Hopefully, we will make progress throughout the year, and by year's end, we will get at least a glimmer of that wonderful sunlight over the horizon.
Of course, I am also planning on streaming and commissioning on the side, if not to perhaps make a bit of pocket change, then to at least enjoy the experience with people. Paypal still has issues with me, although these are mostly in transfering funds from my bank nowadays, and not so much receiving funds from others - so commissions soon. I still have to draw a few things for a small amount of people, but once that is done, the real fun can begin~
I am glad. It feels like a veil has lifted, and that while I have lost a few friends in the past months, I have made several more. This hazy dream of several years, of stagnation and the lingering weight of hopelessness, it is finally coming to an end. The future is unforseen, and perhaps with many obstacles, but with the support behind me, and the new tools of the trade that I hold, I hope that I may dig out a small kindly niche for myself.
Also, Dark Souls is pretty great. Can't recommend it enough.
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A New Year and a New Chance
3 min read
It is nearly the end of 2016, and whether or not your opinion of the year was good, there is a new year around the corner, and a new chance for redemption and change. Personally, the beginning of 2017 is not looking good, with work coming to yank me and my friends out of our peaceful hikkikomori lives, and the question of whether there will be enough time for drawing, much less regular social interaction. Money is good, don't get me wrong, but it's meaningless if you have no time for yourself.
That being said, I have decided to end the longstanding, unspoken 'Sakoku' policy of mine. Originally, I strayed from the idea of advertising or being open about my artwork, since naturally, a small dedicated community is much better than a large mixed one. Of course, that idea is worthless if nobody really pays much attention to begin with, and when your charisma is so lacking that you can barely hold a conversation, much less people's interests. I will try to be more open, but there is a very fine line for me between being recluse, and being incredibly overbearing and saying way too much, so please forgive me otherwise.
When it concerns what I have been doing for the past year, there has been quite a few accomplishments. I have finally graduated from college with an Associates in Liberal Arts, which might not be much, but is a tremendous achievement for me. Of course, I've taken the next two semesters off, contrary to what my family would like, because college was a terrible experience, and definitely not one that I'm too eager to repeat. I managed to also fumble a job within the local government office, mostly through family connections, which has somewhat upset me, since they have never really offered that support into my interests, but what can you do?
What is important, though, is that I have managed to set up a paypal account after several issues with the bank, issues with paypal in general, and just a really nasty bureaucratic mess. So, that being said, we can expect some possible commission slots in the future, although with the whole job thing, it is questionable if there would be ample time to really deliver anything. I'm sure it is not as bad as I am making it, but then again, I'm not so sure.
On a final note, I am writing this while in aching pain, a terrible migraine, and little rest, so I might be a little bit disassociated at the moment. I might not necessarily carry out things in a timely manner, but I really want to try, and more than anything, I really want to be that doujin artist I've always striven to be. Hopefully through some god, omen, or miracle, things will go my way.
That being said, I have decided to end the longstanding, unspoken 'Sakoku' policy of mine. Originally, I strayed from the idea of advertising or being open about my artwork, since naturally, a small dedicated community is much better than a large mixed one. Of course, that idea is worthless if nobody really pays much attention to begin with, and when your charisma is so lacking that you can barely hold a conversation, much less people's interests. I will try to be more open, but there is a very fine line for me between being recluse, and being incredibly overbearing and saying way too much, so please forgive me otherwise.
When it concerns what I have been doing for the past year, there has been quite a few accomplishments. I have finally graduated from college with an Associates in Liberal Arts, which might not be much, but is a tremendous achievement for me. Of course, I've taken the next two semesters off, contrary to what my family would like, because college was a terrible experience, and definitely not one that I'm too eager to repeat. I managed to also fumble a job within the local government office, mostly through family connections, which has somewhat upset me, since they have never really offered that support into my interests, but what can you do?
What is important, though, is that I have managed to set up a paypal account after several issues with the bank, issues with paypal in general, and just a really nasty bureaucratic mess. So, that being said, we can expect some possible commission slots in the future, although with the whole job thing, it is questionable if there would be ample time to really deliver anything. I'm sure it is not as bad as I am making it, but then again, I'm not so sure.
On a final note, I am writing this while in aching pain, a terrible migraine, and little rest, so I might be a little bit disassociated at the moment. I might not necessarily carry out things in a timely manner, but I really want to try, and more than anything, I really want to be that doujin artist I've always striven to be. Hopefully through some god, omen, or miracle, things will go my way.
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